This is the hard bit.
This is the bit that stops most people from becoming foster carers.
Saying goodbye.
I’ve been parenting this little guy for almost three years. He has taught me a lot. Mostly about tractors, motorbikes and garbage trucks, but also a lot about me.
For the last few weeks he has been transitioning out of my care and into the care of his extended family. Transition is now officially over, but he is still coming over one night a week for the next few weeks.
So many things are the same and so many things are different. The dynamic at home is enormously different. When he is here he needs lots of physical closeness and attention. At any moment, he could veer off into emotional chaos. Angry, upset, sad, confused. It’s tough when you are only three and everything you know is changing.
At the same time we are having very special moments. Moments of love, of sharing, remembering. Sweet and precious exchanges.
He has always called me mum but a couple of weeks ago he called me by my first name – Rose. It was an early morning, still sleepy exchange. I smiled at him and asked him if that’s what he’d like to call me now. Not yet, he said.
Water Boy
love many trust few 
I know I’ve been MIA, but I just saw this and my heart is breaking for you, Rose. I don’t know how you do it. God bless you, though, for doing what you do.
Thanks Sara, lovely to hear from you. Miss reading all about your crazy little troup! Hope you are all doing well xx
Oh my. I wasn’t prepared for this over my morning coffee. So painful, so beautifully written, so full of love. Hang in there, and know that you have made an immeasurable impact on his life. Sending you best thoughts from halfway around the globe.
Neil, this is payback for the many times you have brought tears to MY eyes! But seriously…thank you!
Lovely post Rose. Such an amazing thing to be doing. Hope he travels safely.
It is amazing. I try to remember that when it’s meltdown central and all three need one on one attention! I hope your old stomping ground is treating you well.
Yes, that must be so hard. So many emotions.
The full range of emotions! And they can pass through in a moment. Hard to explain it to the other boys, for different reasons. Hard to explain it to him – especially because he is in the ‘why’ phase.
Oh Rose, that just brought a tear to my eye. It must be so amazing to know the difference you’ve made to their lives and yet so hard to let them go off into the great unknown. Lots of love from us. xx
Thanks Kylie – it is hard and sad but I have to believe that ultimately he will be happy and loved, living with his family – and I do!
Rose am thinking of you all through this transition. Tears are flowing reading this. What a secure foundation you have given this little boy, a solid foundation for him to grow from. Such an honest and open process. Such an insightful little boy “not now”. That part made me cry the most. Big hugs to all as you contain all the big and beautiful emotions xx
Ruth – having you as a dear friend who understands this all so very well, makes it easier xx
Oh, the tears are flowing. It’s been over six months since I said goodbye to my baby, and I still miss her every single day. She just turned three a couple months ago. A million other precious children could never fill that one little hole in my heart that has her name on it. I’m sorry for your loss, because it is a great one, and a very real one. I am glad, though, that you were able to do a transition and still have a bit of contact. That you can hope and even believe that he will be safe and loved. Wishing you blessings and peace through this very hard time.
They stay with you no matter that they are no longer in your care. Always! I am grateful for the transition and the opportunity to help him through this big change in his life. Thank you – it helps having others out there who know how it feels.
Your are one awesome person rose 🙂 love yah xx hope little N is doing okay through out it x
Thanks Ash – you know I think the same about you! We are getting there xxx
Love you Rosey. xxxx
Love you too Noely and your very special boy who you don’t get to cuddle and kiss goodnight, and my beautiful god-daughter and ALL you mob!
Hi Rose – thinking of you … thanks for doing what you do, and for supporting others like me.
We’re all in this together Jane! Thanks.
Thinking of you Rose, and your bunch of beautiful boys, sending love to you all, and having a little cry. xx
Thanks Gretchen. Miss him!!
Oh, I’m so sorry, I had no idea. Such a crazy bittersweet time. Thinking of you!
Thank you! I know that you know just how it feels. It’s part of what we sign up for, but it still hurts!
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.
Thanks Joseph. It’s hard and it sneaks up on you – just when you think you’re coping really well – wham!
what a beautiful thing you do for these kids, but man! i don’t know how you do it. heartbreaking.
I actually feel like I get more out of it than they do! It’s certainly hard at times (like these), but I also get to be there for them and get so much love from them – it’s a privilege.
absolutely. and the way you approach it is so positive and such a gift for both you. bless you.
This is a beautiful post. The final paragraph is heart breaking.
Thank you Karen. This may not be my first good bye, but it’s a hard one. I don’t think I ever really say good bye – I hope they will all come back into my life at some point.
Thank you for doing what you do. I know there’s a huge need for foster parents, and I can tell by the tone of your story that you’re one of the special ones.
oh. OH!. the tears. the tears!
this was absolutely beautiful. YOU clearly are beautiful.
Thank you for getting it Christina, the raw emotion and the beauty.
This is both lovely and heartbreaking. What you did for him these past few years is so beautiful, and I’m sorry that you have to start to say goodbye.
We have had a lot of fun and laughter and it has been quite delightful to see this little guy grow from a little baby to being the big, independent and articulate 3yo he is today. It’s hard to see him go, but I hope it’s for the best.
My heart weeps with empathy. I remember the feeling all to well of saying goodbye to a foster child. We kept in contact, but it was never quite the same.
You’re right – it can never be the same, even when you do stay in touch. Knowing that and allowing it and supporting them in letting you go as well allowing yourself to let them go – all hard, but hopefully best for them in the end.
Agreed. I was thrilled to find out that this little tiny crack-addicted infant has now graduated from Harvard with a degree in Family Law! He adoptive parents really did right by her! 🙂
What a wonderful gift you have given him, even through the heartbreak. I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels for you or for him. I do not think I would be strong enough but thank heavens there are people like you who are.
Well you know what they say about strength (not even going there!!). It is a gift – absolutely! Love should always be a gift!
My heart still aches rereading this post. The “not yet” at the end was so moving.
I hope he is doing well. And you too, of course.
Thanks Cyn, he is doing well. He was here for the night, last night. We had a lovely morning at swimming and lots of sweet moments and little chats about how he was feeling.
Giving them back is the one thing that scares me about being a foster parent. I just don’t know if I could say goodbye. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I have a theory that helps me through this process. If you have a chance – have a listen to this radio interview I did a little while back. It explains how I try to approach this difficult process and helps me to think about it in a positive way (and to have good relationships with my kids bio families too!)
His “not yet” is heartbreaking. You wrote so beautifully about a difficult situation. I wish him – and you! – all the best.
Thank you! It says it all really doesn’t it?
Thank God there are people like you. Willing to put yourself in discomfort and downright pain for other people. I cant evenget myself to foster kittens.
I could never have predicted that this would be something I would do, let alone be good at. It’s a long and winding road that brought me to this particular door!
Very powerful. You made me catch my breath and I have yet to fully exhale. Thank you. for what you do. for what you wrote.
Keep breathing Kristin! I know the writing helps me – in so many ways! So does the support from the people who read – so thank you.
Wow. I don’t know how you do this, but it’s lovely to read something like this that gives a great view of foster care–I feel like whenever the media or tv deals with foster, it’s a negative view. This was really poignant. Hope you both make the transition well.
So true! Foster carers seem to have a somewhat tarnished image, but I believe and I hope that this is changing. Changing because of the people who are now becoming carers. I feel strongly that our concept of family needs to change and expand so that we can be more caring of those around us and especially of the most vulnerable in our communities.
Ugggg. This is beautiful and heartbreaking. Your strength is beyond what I will ever know. I respect it – fantastic post.
Thanks Molly! What seems to take the most strength is not spilling every little heartbreaking detail in this blog. I do appreciate you kind words though.
You are such an incredible human being Rose. This post has my desk flooded with tears. I cannot imagine how difficult and beautiful it must be. I admire what you do, there are only so many earth angels that can carry out the kind work or loving a child and protecting them as your own. You are amazing. If you ever want to have a cuppa and chat about… whatever, I’d love to reconnect and catch up with you x
Thanks Sasha – we should definitely catch up. Would love to see you & the big O!